forget what you were told

worst coversation i ever had with anyone BUT best thing that ever happened to me.

Thu, 04 Sep 2008 00:57:01 GMT

1. Learn how to fucking spell and use grammar, it's like reading a fucking two year old's whiny excuse for a "comeback" that wasn't even necesary.
2. You do realize that my last "response" was me telling you to fuck off right? The fact that you didn't realize until now that I didn't want anything to do with you proves to me even more that you're more of a dip shit than I thought you were. Way to go, you amazed ME.
3. You helped me through shit? All you could do when I was talking to you about shit was tell me how much worse my situation could be, and you couldn't even give me any fucking feedback because YOU DON'T FUCKING LIVE.
4. Morgan is a better friend to me than you ever have been, and she actually had the balls to pick up her shit and leave. We have had so much more fun in the past two fucking months than I EVER had with you. I love having a friend that is on the same mental wavelength as me, not a whiny crying bitch.
5. My goals? Yeah, I do want to get fucked up in every state, I think that's a perfectly fine goal. I ALSO want to see the fucking world and change shit. Obviously you had your head too far up your fucking ass when I was discussing these things with you. I don't know if you actually remember why I left to travel in the first place, but it had nothing to do with substances of any kind.
6. Yeah, I told people in Olympia about you thinking I was a junkie. Why? Because everyone thinks you're a fucking loser anyway, and I figured I'd stir things up a bit since I wasn't going to be there for a while. Bitch move? Hell yeah. You calling me a bitch just makes me want to make things harder for you. Idiot.
7. Everything has been great for me since I stopped talking to you: I get to travel with chill ass people, my dog rocks, my brother is doing way better than he ever has, by the way, and I get to do whatever the fuck I want. I don't push people away on accident, you just didn't get the fucking shove when I was in town last.
Get a fucking life.
Love,
Laura

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Miss dizz ♣
Date: Aug 21, 2008 5:21 PM

oh god, i know what this is, this is you trying to beat me with words like you do everyone else...
my eyes? open your eyes! you couldnt even fucking face me when you were here. what the hell happened to you? your too fucking hard to be my friend, well fine i dont want someone whos turned into a raging elitist bitch to be considered my best friend anymore. ive been there for you throught a whole fucking lot, we had too much fun, but sometimes i get so frustrated because youve never respected me through out any of this. ive always known but im not doing it anymore laura.
your brother doesnt give two shits about you, hes too fucked up himself to even care, same with your mother, i was all you fucking got.... I do not enjoy worrying about you, which is why im done. fuck it. and fuck your goals. i dont know how many times youve said all you want to do is get fucked up in any city you can, well you know what, thats not a fucking goal, thats you becoming a peice of shit person and a peice of shit friend. you used to have goals, you gave them up to be a fucking loser. all you care about is yourself and its always been that way, ive let you pull this shit with me cause yah i didnt give a fuck, but i do now, NO more dude. you cant control every fucking situation and everyone in your life anymore. IM OUT. this is great laura, i hope you regret your tattoo, i know im gonna look at mine and think about how you just push everyone away, even me. how can you possibly be so fucking pissed that that im the only one around you that even likes you anymore? im done sticking up for you. fight your own battles if your gonna be this way, you stubborn pathetic excuse for a fucking friend!
and next time you want to call me a drama lover, suck my dick, cause i only talked to you about it, and now apprently everyone else knows cause you decided to talk shit. whos the drama starter now?

remember laura, you destroy everything you have that is good. way to go!!!!
destrtoy the one solid,uptouchable friendship you have.
ppffff
your just a bunch of lame excuses to be less than you are.
pull your dirty head out of your ass, cause you owe me an appology.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Hoard
Date: Aug 15, 2008 9:00 PM

You scope out drama like it's fucking cock. I'm so tired of having to hear about how fucking worried you are about me... my own brother is less freaked out than you and he's known me my whole life. At first it was okay, but now it's like you're looking for things that are going wrong with me just so you have an excuse to be fucking worried.
I'm sorry that you can't accept that I'm doing my own thing and like to actually accomplish my goals.
You know for a fact (as well as everyone else who has ever met me) that I fucking hate heroin and won't even hang out with people who do it.
Think long and hard about the last time I was in town and you'll see why I didn't let you know I was in town. I hate walking on eggshells around you and making sure I'm saying the right fucking thing so I don't upset you. You have shed your crocodile tears so many times they don't even affect me.
Open your fucking eyes, Cassidy, and look at the world around you.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Miss dizz ♣
Date: Aug 11, 2008 3:56 PM

doug talked to me.
i never said anything to him.
he said something to me which is why i thought it so strange. i never did think that laura, but your not around, i dont know when your gonna change your mind. i dont know what your gonna say about anything. its not up to me to assume you will or will not do anything. AND
this is not bullshit. this is me, cassidy, expressing how i feel. and if you see that as drama, im sorry, your obviously looking at it much different than me.
thanks for letting me know your in town.
that hurts dude.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Hoard
Date: Aug 7, 2008 6:10 PM

first of all, why the fuck where you talking to doug? and second of all, fuck you for thinking i'd do that shit. I'm not even reading all of this shit, I'm over this fucking drama bullshit.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Miss dizz ♣
Date: Aug 4, 2008 7:48 PM

doug talked to me.
out of the blue, he has never before.
so i know he means business.
he told me someone asked you for "tar"
i believe those were his words.
and as much as i wish u'd say " hell no dude i dont do that shit," i dont know anymore, all i worry about is whether I'll ever see you again, sometimes i rather not worry, but i do.
laura, i love you, but i cannot be your friend if your going to do this. before this, i couldnt even call you, because i was already so upset, im afraid for you dude, this has gone farther than just traveling and having fun. this is where you reach the fork in the road, laura, you live or you dont. please, i hope you realize soon what path your taking just realize your letting every terrible thing to happen or every shitty person win right now. you give up, your done. i think ive been there for you enough. i hope to death, this is all some misunderstanding. you know, i dont know what to do without you and i think i would really not know what to do if you were dead. i know you dont care as much anymore, and i know im not as important to you anymore to keep you going but for all im worth, this is all ive ever wanted, for you, my bestest friend in the world, to be OK. to be happy and healthy and not destructive. But here i am, with nothing left to do or say to you. being there for you i guess isnt enough, and if i cant help, i dont know what can. if there is one thing i want from you is to take care of yourself. if i cannot be there with you, i at least want to know your OK and this is NOT okay. something has to be wrong, this isnt you, this isnt right. if you ever come back, i want to talk to you. we never talk, we never really do and i think its time. i think its time we have a very long talk, you and i.

a great dissapointment

Fri, 29 Aug 2008 20:03:44 GMT

she sure turned into a bitch.

Wed, 02 Jul 2008 19:38:15 GMT

im sorry mom that ellie left.

im sorry

im sorry

im sorry

im sorry morgan that im not cool enough for you

and im sorry karsten, you cant pull your head out of your ass

and im sorry katie, shits not looks up

and im sorry nathan cause no matter how perfect all of this is

i still want to die.

still.

old thoughts dont die.

bring on the anxiety attack.

ho no.

i cant do this if she leaves.
i cant do it again.
i cant i cant ic ajkltrfhsD;ITJSDG
FG
I CANTTTT

ol' dirty bastard

Tue, 06 May 2008 02:45:14 GMT

i.
i....
ohh im so mad. at myself. i was about to say i was doing so fine without talking to him. i promised i wouldnt let him mess with my feelings anymore. dillon baker is a witch. hes got a magic broom and a fucking wand and he set me under spells. i dont, DO NOT, need to deal with this. im already a wack-job without him around. uugghhh, i am so frustrated. more than ever. this isnt like the dave thing or the corey thing or the jared thing this is THE thing. ive tried to hate him ive tried to ignore him but he keeps popping up. he keeps slipping back into my thoughts and i dont want that. i dont want to call him. i mean i do, but i know how thats gonna go. i just cannot go through this again. i think me never dating anyone regardless of why really makes these types of problems harder for me to deal with cause i want it so bad. i just need some sort of light at the end of the tunnel. i need answers. ive talked to him about some of this. most of it i havent, all i wanted was to hear it come out of his mouth, "cassidy, its never gonna happen" but that didnt happen. so im always gonna be in a state uncertainy. im always gonna wonder why not me. why not me? thats the question ive avoided for so long. i know who i am, i know whats important, i know where i stand, but he makes me doubt who i am. he makes me ponder whether or not ill.... be there one day; be in that girls shoes; know how it feels to be loved. how pathetic of me.

Thu, 08 Nov 2007 18:21:50 GMT

i wanna hit dillon in the face.
he doesnt understand waht "bailing out on your friends" means.
i miss him
but i hate him
so lame
he kills me

shit blows

Tue, 30 Oct 2007 22:41:46 GMT

halloween tomorrow.
i dont really know whats going on, but it should rule.
brandnew tonight- not going- bummed.
tool- probably not going, portland might be sold out by the end of the week, i dont get paid till friday. im worried.

dillon came bowling with katie, morgan and i.
it was awsome.
then he came over the next day and we talked on my porch,\
i really like this kid,
but im pissed cause things arent really going as i hoped.
mom gave me cron cron.....awsome.

i love space cruises and costumes.
i have flakey boys, even if they are perfect.

Thu, 13 Sep 2007 19:59:06 GMT

saving money, saving money.
that is the plan.

i work saterday till monday 9 to 4.
its alright.
lots of good people to fuck with at work.

Tue, 28 Aug 2007 20:23:39 GMT

working saterday sunday and monday from now on 9 am till 4.
ellie comes home wednesday.
i have to help my grandma move soon. shit.
chris is a fag.
i find out hes still here in WA, scamming on other girls.
what a bitch.
what did i ever see in him.
i knew he was like that.
fuck that shit.
i want to go to the beach soon.
life has been boring at home, need more excitment and more shit to do there.
my mom lets me drink fuzzy navel coolers at home now, WEIRD.
yeah, tahats all i geuss.

fuckthat

Thu, 09 Aug 2007 21:53:29 GMT

i dont need some deuche bag to make me feel better about myself.

Tue, 07 Aug 2007 23:47:04 GMT

now everything seems cool to me.
WHAT THE FUCK.

im sick and tired of being sick and tired and unhappy.

Tue, 07 Aug 2007 20:12:19 GMT

sometimes i just want to stop.
stop everything.
just not be so i dont have to deal with dissapointment.
i want to be happy.
i cant remember the last time i was happy for real.
i can remember good times.
i can remember acting happy so no one would notice.
but i cant do it much longer.
i dont want to do this anymore.
i dont want to do this anymore.
i dont want to do this anymore.

jobjob

Tue, 07 Aug 2007 18:22:49 GMT

hey mom dont be a cunt
you know dad ha that job forme and all i need is the car insurance and im set
dont tell me to go get a job
ive tried
its not happening
and its not like i have someone to just give me a job
i cannot find a job seriously fuck off

i guess i got that out

Tue, 07 Aug 2007 05:08:47 GMT

i guess i got that out i wanted.
now i guess i dont have to make a decision on whether or not your worth it cause you wherentthe best but you made me feel happy.
hes moving to virgina on friday.
for a dumb job.
i guess it was a nice change ha but its over now.
back to reality.
he wasnt that awsome anyways, i know, but have you seen me do any better?
there are only 2 boys that have ever had my heart, i know that sounds sappy and very emotional. i never dated either of them but i loved who they were/ are.
i wish i'd be able to find more boys like them.
everyone has people they compare people of the opposite sex and i compare everboy to dave and dillon. dont say anything if you read this. i guess... whatever, i dont care if anyone knows.
its just that way, no matter who knows about it i cant change that. im gonna regret posting that i know.
ive never dated a cool dude, its just not my luck i supose.
they always suck, but from now on, i feel like i shouldnt bother unless hes perfect.
or compare to the two individuals i respect in that manner.
ugh i sound retarded.
sooooo retarded.

mother fucker

Sun, 05 Aug 2007 16:58:53 GMT

im over it
not into chris once so ever anymore
he fucking ruined that shit last night
fuck you man
F you for being annoying and ugly

******
okay, well.... i wrote that reallly early this morning when i was super pissed.
everyone still hates him, but he was great this morning, no attutude, no being a deuche bag, it was fine. all he needed was 12 hours of sleep to fix that.
oh man, everyone hates him....
god damnit.
he still looks like a fucking retard though.
stupid hair cut
i know thats vaine, but i have to look at it so THERE

fucking shit.
i hate shit.
especially dumb shit.

shit

Sat, 04 Aug 2007 21:51:05 GMT

hanging out with chris tonight
that could be either really good or really bad
haha we will see
i fixed up my room, its so nice in there now with all my furniture painted
i like it
ellie is gone for three weeks
its gonna be so quiet and clean

bitchnigga

Sun, 29 Jul 2007 20:07:25 GMT

your making my IBS flare up boy.
and that might be the reason i dont date i guess.
too stressful on the bowels.
hahahahahahaa.

things are looking up.

Sat, 28 Jul 2007 03:11:38 GMT

things still arent good at home.
im still worried about my mom.
im still trying to help my dad.
ellie is still an ungrateful bitch.
but i feel better, maybe happy.
something is different, a good different.
i like feeling better.

boy/cuddle

Fri, 27 Jul 2007 18:32:49 GMT

things went well with chris last night.
why is it i only have a boy interest during the end of july for the last 3 years now? wtf.
i dont know when i get to hang out with him next.
it might be a while.
whatever.
its cool.

doopp

Tue, 24 Jul 2007 06:48:16 GMT

im gonna sand down and paint all my furniture.
i figured out what color.
its gonna be alot of work.
[2 shelves, 1 dresser, 1 armoir, my bed frame, 1 coffee table.]
i just got more shit.
i got like 2 months of storing my couches at my grandma's. and then i have to take them.
shit. i certainly dont have room for them.
so moving out is gonna have to come soon.
just gotto get that job underway.
i start working at bowlero 5 nights a week once my dad fires some bozo.
portering for me.
[6-10] teusday-friday, [6-12] saterday.

weekend

Mon, 23 Jul 2007 06:19:40 GMT

made some moeny at my grandma's.
she gave me more furniture.
im running out of places to store it all.
my grandma and i talked about my parents marriage and lives.
it was really hard to hold it together.
my mom tried to make a joke about committing suicide about how its been for the mast like 7 years.
that scares me.
there isnt anthing i can do.
there is nothing my grandma can really do.
its bumming me out.
oh man.
im speechless really.

Thu, 19 Jul 2007 04:27:54 GMT

im back
ive got some stories but im in no mood to type it all out, im exhausted.
ive been sober for 2 weeks, not a single drop of alchohol or a single hit of weed.
im SO about to change that... starting... now.

Thu, 12 Jul 2007 22:19:36 GMT

so i have 35 out of 90 credit of an AA degree at SPSCC.
I hate school more than naything, being there makes me angry and probably every negative word to exsist.
but, im like half way through.
i cant figure out if i should jsut suck it up and stay another year where im probably gonna fuck up since or do i just say fuck it.
i dont know what to do.
im giving it till winter quarter to decide.
i jsut thought of doing this today.
so i dont really know if its just me being in haley's collge in a computer lab thats making me want to or me really knowing that i should.
fuckfuckfuck

Tue, 10 Jul 2007 01:00:24 GMT

its a good time.
new tattoo.
sooo awsome.
river.
vegas soon.
lots of House DVD's to watch :) i really like that show now.
lots of fellow mexicans here, all creepy though hahaa.
uhm, its really damn hott here.
i miss home nad friends, but its alright.
im so afraid of the plane ride home.
i totally hyperventalated both plane rides so far, nearly puked up my brains.
ciggarettes are cheaper here :)
i had burger king today- i am SO gonna regret that.
i bought my mom this doll thing that her grandmother had, shes gonna love it, probably do the whole crying mom thank you thing hahaah
haley is at work right now, not sure what the plan is for the rest of the day, we will see.
oh yeah, burritos!!!
laura is suposed to come throught here.
i saw a bunch of trains and watched them like a hawk, ya know just in case.
im thinking shes just heading to the east coast instead.
i guess i'll see her in a few months.
i love haley's bird, davey. hes soo pretty. but he wont fucking come out of his cage.
fucker.

poopshitcrapexcrementcaca.

Wed, 04 Jul 2007 21:24:22 GMT

4th of july today, i made so much food for tonight.
chris is like obbsessing over some ex-girlfriend.
im a failure.
whatever.
dont care.
dont want that job, its not good enough for me.
fuck it.
leaving friday.
im so excited.
but so nervous about chaning planes.
getting my doomsday clock tattoo in vegas or glennwood springs.
yeah, thats all.

Fri, 22 Jun 2007 18:23:34 GMT

i'll miss laura while shes gone.